Tony's Eye

Natural Lessons

2008-01-23T19:04:00.000-05:00

This past week has been a tough one for me. My mind was going over several situations that had occurred, misunderstandings between friends, issues at work, personal issues, things I could not clear from my mind. My mind kept going over these issues, beating itself up looking for solutions, things that could have been done differently, handles better, solutions and possible solutions for other issues, I was is worriers hell. My mind was so preoccupied on these things I could not get adequate sleep, and meditation became impossible as I could not reach a calm spot.

This is a situation I think we all find ourselves in. We become trapped in a spiral, problems occur, we concern ourselves them, seeking solutions, worrying about some real, and some expected issues. As we obsess over these, we make matters worse. Our bodies become deprived, we lose sight of other things, then these create other issues, we worry about them as well, then more is added to the mix. The black vortex of the mind…

I recognized what was going on, but nothing seemed to work to break me out of the cycle. Meditation, self hypnosis, creative visualization, all were out of reach, my mind and essence were locked in a battle with each other and the demon of doubt and fear. Even the dog noticed something was wrong, and tried to break me out of this with puppy love, but I was too entrenched to get the message.

My first reaction was to withdraw and cut myself off from the world, how could I be a friend or help others when I could not help myself. This too is a situation that many of us in our line of work find ourselves in. Negativity spreads like a virus, spreading from host to host in a chain reaction of despair, and I did not want to be Patient Zero.

Trying to clear my head after yet another bout of bad news, I decided to go for a walk. We had a snow storm just a day before, but it was warm and I had not been to the beach in a while. Neither had the dog.

We began walking, the only two as far as the eye could see, just us in this vast sea of water and sand. Even though the dog was with me, I felt alone and that the scene matched how I felt on the inside, alone in a vast wasteland, overwhelmed by everything around him.

I gazed out at the water; choppy waves were breaking at the shore smashing against the huge field of ice and snow carving away at it and carrying bits and pieces away, just as my own mind was doing to me.

Then I noticed the dog was looking at the scene as well but her eyes were not watching the destruction as the waves hit, but what happened as the waves receded. Yes, there was the breaking of the ice and snow, what appeared to be destruction with the mighty ocean attacking the snow and ice that had invaded its home.

It was then that it hit me; the ocean was doing as it always has, moving in its never ending cycle, waves hitting the shore, yes some times bigger and more fierce, driven by the winds, but continuing its purpose. The ice and snow that appeared at its shore was not being attacked, it too was part of the ocean, water that had been separated and taken a different form, but the ocean doing its own thing, its simple purpose was reclaiming what had been taken from it by the outside forces of sun and wind.

Like the ocean, I should stay focused and keep true to myself and my purpose; my troubles were like the ice and snow, parts of my life and my mind and would eventually be reabsorbed. I should not be concerned at how large they appear or that they appear to be taking over my landscape, my home, my life. Like the ice and snow, wind and rain, thoughts and concerns will manifests, but they should not be all consuming, my staying true to myself I will be able to whittle away them, make them smaller, even carve them into funny shapes along the way. Eventually they would be cleared away, but then new storms would form. It is the cycle of life.

After about an hour of walking the beach and marveling at the beauty of nature I returned home and finally got some rest. Nature is a great teach, if one can just open himself or herself up to what is being taught.

Another Change And a New Year's Wish

2007-12-29T13:54:00.000-05:00

I've made a change to the blog and restricted comments to registered users as I've been receiving spam and do not wish to promote those products here.

As for the anonymous poster who placed the 3 comments to my last posting, God Bless you.

If you wish to discuss your comments with me, feel free to contact me in person. I prefer putting a face and name to people when I discuss issues with them.

Happy New year to all and may the new year bring you all happiness, fulfillment, and a closer relationship with God.

Change is Good

2007-12-13T12:45:00.000-05:00

“Change is good.”

This is a phrase that can be quite contrary.

Change is neither good nor bad; it depends on the direction of the change, in my humble opinion.

It has been observed by many in the ministry that the role and actions of the Church must change in order to survive. Given today’s culture this is more than just a theory. Gone are the days when the All Mighty Church leaders would sit back, preach, and expect the laity to nod in agreement and follow the party line. Gone are the days when evangelizing and proselytizing by quoting scripture and preaching AT the masses would spread the WORD.

In today’s world, the Church must take an active role in the community; it must be community centric, not centralized on its internal hierarchy. What is being forgotten, or ignored is that the Church is not a building, not the ministers, priests, and Bishops, but the people, the community. And YES, the WORD is important, but it is only half of what the mission should be, the ACTIONS and DEEDS are of equal importance. (and in the public eye, of more importance).

The role of minister and Bishop should be that of “brother’ of “friend”, of “compassionate advisor” not as the voice from on high. The vocation is one of, yes, leading the group in prayer, but also of being there for support. The ministers should be there to support their community, their family. The Bishops should be there to support the ministers, support, not oppress. The mister should be in touch with his/her community and assist with those matters in which he can assist, and refer on those which he/she cannot, and realize the difference. The ministers must also be active in the communities, even in matters of daily life, actively assisting in those activities that affect his community, supporting it as a big brother would support his family.

The Bishops should give guidance to the minister, but leave the ultimate decisions to the Minster (in most cases). Thoughtful discussion are what is required, not commandments from on high. Additionally, proper training should be provided and be encouraged through both secular and non-secular sources. The job of the Bishop is to provide the tools to the Ministers to allow them to do their vocation, refer issues they cannot properly address, and the knowledge to know the difference.

These are some of the key points of my discussion at our last Bishop’s conclave. The discussion appeared to have been well received, but as we all know, appearance’s can be deceptive.

There has been a shift in direction from an advisory role to a more authoritarian role, and change from the change if you will. What I had proposed (and may others have pointed out before me) requires more independence of the local churches, more spending of funds on education for ministerial training and education, and more referral to qualified outside agencies. Perhaps the increase of expenditure and lessening of control were too much of a change to accept at one time, or it was perceived as financially irresponsible for the “organization” and irresponsible for the leadership to step back and let those in the front lines take responsibility and true leadership. And it may have been a combination of these and other reasons. My philosophy is that a good leader makes himself/herself dispensable by empowering and educating others to make the right decisions.

Several months ago I was asked to retire as an active Bishop as my ideas and actions did not fit with the direction that the “organization” wished to go. After much considered thought and prayer, I saw the light in the situation and came to terms with it. My first response was confusion, then a bit of anger. It took a little while to realize that it was personal pride and ego that was affecting my acceptance of the other Bishops’ decision. In my eagerness to push towards a 21st Century Church, I was guilty of many of the situations I was arguing against, pushing my ideas and concepts on those who were not receptive, much like preaching at the crowd instead of talking with them.

“Change is good.” In this case, it is. I’ve seen something of myself that I was blind to, and in revealing this I can move forward more enlightened. My hopes are that the “organization” is correct in their direction and that it fulfills its purpose of serving God by serving the people.

Little Bit of Heaven

2007-05-18T13:06:00.000-05:00

Tristan

8 pounds, 7 ounces and 22 inches long

Born Mother's Day

Drive-Thru Society

2006-08-18T10:50:00.000-05:00

My last primary care physician left last May. His replacement was due in June, and he told me to schedule an appointment with her as soon as she started. I have a few medical issues that he felt needed to be monitored, recurring paralysis, some heart issues, and memory loss. I managed to get in to see the new doctor in February. She spent almost 7 minutes with me. She said that she wanted to get to know mw and my history as she looked at her laptop to get my name. The rest of the appointment was spent with me providing my history to her, history that has been provided to the last 4 doctors I have had at that location, and she, like all the others entered notes into my file.

Last month, I had a problem in Occupational Therapy. During the session, I lost functional use of my left arm, and its customary numbness was replaced with shooting pain. The pain then started to go through my back, and I knew that I was in trouble. I tried to leave as lying down might help with the pain. I was in agony, and it was getting worse. My therapist could not let me leave, if I get hurt, they have to have me examined by a doctor. She also told me that I could get something for the pain. I waited an hour and a half, the nurse who pre-interviewed me asked me why I was there and was unaware that the appointment was scheduled by another department within her clinic. She had no clue as to why I was there. A little while later, a doctor entered carrying a familiar looking laptop. He had no idea as to why I was there (even though I had just explained everything to his nurse) frustration then got the best of me. I told him that I was there because I was hurt in his clinic and that they require me to see a doctor. He did offer me a prescription for aspirin. I was in pain, frustrated, and just wanting to leave, so I told him where he could put his prescription, and asked if I could leave.

Now we come to yesterday: I’m sitting on the table wearing nothing but a paper gown when my doctor enters. She looks at her laptop and says, “Mr. (pause as he attempts to read my name), do you have any medical concerns you wish to discuss?” It is apparent that she does not know anything about my medical situation, my recent history, or me. I look towards the chair where my cloths are, weighing the decision to just leave. As I will have to pay for the appointment, I decide to stay and answer her, “No, no concerns. As you can see by my records I am as healthy as can be.” She nodded her head in agreement. Then, I thought something tipped her off , it might have been the unnatural curve of my spine, the twitching of my arm, or the cane sitting next to my cloths, she looked at the laptop. But I was mistaken. She then began to ask me the same set of questions every physician asks a new patient. The same questions that I have answered numerous times before, and she did as all the others did, entered the answers into her computer. She did ask about my physical activity, and I thought my answer of semi-pro foot ball and national rhythmic gymnastics were a little over the top, but she entered that into her computer and moved on to questions of diet. When the appointment was finished, about 10 minutes after it had started, she left me to get dressed. Then returned with a card and said to make in appointment for next year. I then left the office for the last time.

Why do they enter notes if they are not going to look at them? Is it too much to expect a physician to at least know your name before entering, and perhaps know a little bit about your situation? In the case of the doctors, one or two minutes looking at the notes in my file would have saved them more than that amount of time in the interview process of the appointment, provided a better relationship with the patient, appear professional and competent. Instead, I feel frustrated, my case is not worth their interest, and I don’t want to go back.

So where do I go from here? Besides the obvious of looking for new healthcare, I need to learn from this and apply these lessons to my own life and practices. When I meet with people, I need to refresh my memory of who they are, try to remember what we talked about. In the case of counseling sessions, review notes as well. Each person I deal with in either a personal or professional capacity must be made to feel like the unique and special person that they are, and not like a number.

Life is not just a drive-thru.

Tony

Cultural Differences

2006-01-19T13:47:00.000-05:00

Did anyone see the news story on that Preacher from Texas a couple of months ago? The one who electrocuted himself? Do you know where he was in Texas? Waco. Up here, we would pronounce it Whacko. A lot of strange things have happened there, This thing in 2005, back in the 90’s we had that fiasco with David Keresh, and in the 80’s, well let’s just say, there was, my incident.

Back in the 80’s I was in the Air Force and stationed in Texas. I was looking for a post-graduate program to continue my education, but money was tight. With a bit of searching, I found a program that my Air Force tuition assistance would cover. It was at Liberty Bible College in Waco.

It was a very interesting experience, as I could barely understand anything that was said to me, and I think they understood even less of what I said.

We all know that we speak a little bit differently here than they do in other parts of the country, we’re always accused of not pronouncing our final R’s, and reusing them by sting them on the end of other words” “Ah final ahs just disapeah, but where they go we’ve no idear.” We Leave out certain consonants to get words out, like: “The house is onna-conna. We also tend to speak quite quickly, and we have words that are just unique to our area. Jeet? Friken A! Is the Boston phrase, Did you eat? Followed by an affirmative.

In Texas, the speech is much slower. Sometimes you can take a nap mid sentence and wakeup before the speaker is done. And unlike New Englanders are to the point, Texans tend to speak in some strange form of allegory speak.

An example could be: “He’s as full of wind as a corn eating horse” - He likes to boast
Or: She’s got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth. – (move hand as yap, yap, yap.) No words necessary.

Well, there I was this young man from Revere, and I was about as welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.

I made it through the program, then came the time to defend my thesis:

My advisor, James Adams, better known as Brother Jimmy and I discussed proper procedure for the thesis review, and this is where that language problem reared it’s ugly head.

I am not really how much of what I said was understood, but when I had finished, the room was dead quiet. (What I said would not fit within this entry, and my understand is that ideals can be as different as language between the South Texan Baptist and the Massachusetts Liberal Christian.) Needless to say, things did not work out as expected.

"Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope” Which translated to non-Texan means, keep your mouth shut and do as we say.

I did just that, and surprisingly, no more questions were asked of my thesis.

When graduation came around, we had already moved to Japan, and I did receive my diploma in the mail. Along with it was a note from Brother Jimmy, it read: “You can put your boots in the oven, but that don’t make them biscuits.”

To me, the meaning was crystal.

Where Has the Time Gone?

2005-09-16T10:44:00.000-05:00

I’m sorry; life just became extremely busy and hectic since my last post. Yes, I made it to Rome for the funeral, but was too far back in line to be allowed into the Vatican. There were large video screens all over Rome displaying the funeral service. Had I known I was going to be watching the service on TV, I might have stayed home. It was an exhausting 2-day trip (only about 13 hours were spent on the ground).

I spent half the summer at MGH with my son. He became ill over night, so I took him to see his doctor. Unfortunately his doctor was on vacation and the one filling in told him to take Tylenol and drink plenty of fluids. The next day, he was worse, so I took him to the emergency room. He was admitted, and over the next few weeks, I discovered how much more art than science medicine really is. He recovered, but the cause of his illness was never discovered.

2005-04-04T15:57:00.000-05:00

Pope John Paul II

How Lives Intertwine

2005-04-04T15:23:00.000-05:00

So many memories have come flooding back through my mind this past weekend: Twenty-six years worth of memories. It is funny how life is, how lives intertwine:

In 1979 the new Pope of the Catholic Church came to Boston. At the time, I was a young Theology student at Berkshire Christian College. This was also when the movie, “Life of Brian” opened in the Boston area theaters, and a time of much controversy.

Although 1979 was but 26 years ago, society was much more conservative. The movie, “Life of Brian” although very tame, was a parody of Jesus, and also featured “full frontal nudity.” What happened was that just prior to the Pope arriving, all advertisement in the papers, on radio, and on television seemed to disappear. The government (state and city) had decided that it would be in poor taste to allow that movie to be advertised while the Pope was visiting. This was the cause of great debate at school.

Dave, a schoolmate, and I made our way to Boston to see the cause of all of this, the little man from Poland dressed in gold and white, Pope John Paul II. Then we went and watched the movie. We enjoyed both experiences (although the movie was a bit over-rated).

The next year, while still at school, President Reagan was shot. This upset us severely. He was our president, our leader! I was very young when Kennedy was shot, but that day, I knew what they had felt. A few weeks later, we hear that Pope John Paul II had been shot. What was going on with this crazy world? Both men recovered, and our world prospered. And I became a little more focused.

Over the next 20 years or so, the Pope kept showing up every time something in my life occurred. I graduated with a BA in Theology, and JPII was Time Man of the Year (June 1983). 1984, my daughter is born, and he is a hit movie on TV. In 1987 my son was born, and I earn my Doctorate in Theology at Liberty Bible College in Waco Texas. Guess who decides to visit San Antonio, Texas? Yes, my old friend, JPII. It seems like every time something was going on with me, he was around.

I respected the man; he was a very spiritual man. I agreed with some of his theology, and much of it I did not. And I could not help but love the man. He steadfastly held on to the archaic roles of men and women in his church, but made the proclamation that it was not the Jews who killed Christ. He was a secret political architect who helped change the political face of the world, but would not allow his priests to practice politics. There is much one could say about the contradictory man, he was one of a kind.

The announcement that John Paul II passed away was made this past Saturday. It appears that my friend has gone and left me to make my own path in this world. So today I purchased my airfare. I’m off to Rome to say good-bye to an old friend.

It sure is funny how life is, how lives intertwine…

Life & Death in America

2005-04-01T10:55:00.000-05:00

The news this week has been filled with stories of pain, suffering, and loss. Earthquakes, fires, and loss of life dominated the headlines, but the power of the human spirit that has dominated our lives.
Terri Schiavo survived for 13 days without food or water while her family fought through the American legal system for any way possible to preserve her life, while her husband Michael fought just as vigorously to allow her life to end. While observing this, I have been angered, confused, frustrated, and amazed. This was a family disagreement that was brought before the world, and it was not fair to the people involved to have them turned into spectacles for the media. Terri’s family fought the good fight to preserve her life, while her husband was vilified and wanted her dead so that he could move on with his life. Every good story has good and bad guys. Next we had our heroes, politicians, lawyers, priests, reporters, and crowds of ordinary people supporting this family and their cause. And to assist our evildoer were doctors, police, judges, and the law. We tuned in daily to see what was going to happen, could this family, mother, father, and brother to Terri triumph and save her life? The world looked on as the courts, politicians, and the media all seemed to be in concert as they presented this story as a soap opera. As I observed this over the past few weeks, I watched as the story focus changed from Terri, to family rights, to roles of government, and then to living wills. All the while, we were witnessing the battle between representatives of both sides doing battle. We followed this battle, will the law be overturned, will the Florida Governor ignore the courts and take Terri, what will happen next? Forgotten was the true story, Terri. We, as a society become so engrossed in fights and causes, that we lose track of what the issue is.
Then the inevitable, Terri passed away. But still the story carried on, people jumping into the story making public statements on the case. What upset me was the statements of the priest, the one who was supposed to be helping Terri’s family find peace and comfort, and come to a sense of closure, when he vilified Terri’s husband on national TV, I was angered. No, I do not agree with the husband, I believe that all life is sacred and should be preserved, but for a priest to makes the statements that he did, especially at the time at which he made them is unconscionable. As clergy, we are councilors and peacemakers, not prosecutors and blame layers.
Is Her story now over? No, it is not. There are fights over her funeral, a planned autopsy, and the promise to share the results of the autopsy. My prediction: The autopsy result on the brain examination will show damage, but experts opinions will vary with the majority saying she was in a vegetative state, and a small minority stating that she was in a “minimally conscious state”. But the cause of death will be indisputable: She died of malnutrition and dehydration.

Next will be a short article on Pope John Paul II

How I see things

2005-03-29T10:40:00.000-05:00

This might be a wild ride, or it may be the most boring experience in life. Time will tell.